Right, instruct villagers to gather resources. Instruct scout to, er, scout. Build some houses. Going good so far. Build some farms, all in a nice straight line for efficiency. Now to build some sort of defence…wait, what’s this!? The enemy! In my base, two minutes after the game has started? This isn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t how I… I lose!?!?

Playing Age of Empires 2 online wasn’t quite what I expected. It was more baptism of molten lava than fire. I’ve had better first-time experiences when… let’s not go there. Suffice to say, I had not envisioned a strategy where my opponent might attack me with two or three men this early. The game had barely started. What’s the point?

You see, I used to play (and still play) AOE in a more civilised manner, if that’s possible in a war game. I played by the history books. Build up a huge army, meet enemy army at said battleground at 3pm and hurl them at each other. None of this guerilla warfare, hit and run stuff – I literally took an age to build my empire. Age of SimCity Empires would better describe my approach to this game. I get a thrill from just building stuff and making it look nice. It’s a popular thing now games such as Minecraft facilitate this type of gameplay – software version of “make your own fun”.

My style of play most likely stems from being introduced to my first PC strategy game as an 11-year-old. A friend invited me to his house to show me his “network”. Now, to me, he had either crafted a fishing net of some kind or he was about to proudly reveal his first pubes. Fortunately, it wasn’t either. However, I didn’t even have a computer in 1999 and the internet, in my mind, consisted of coming up with funny email addresses. So when I saw what he actually meant, I still didn’t really get it. Big deal, he had two PCs next to ech other. To show me the true power of networked PCs, my mate booted up the original AOE.

To cut a short story short, I loved it. I loved the idea of starting a civilisation from scratch and advancing through different technological ages. Plus the game had war elephants. WAR ELEPHANTS – perhaps two of the greatest words to ever be combined.

It was my first strategy game, so I took things slowly and, being young, me and my pals weren’t exactly at the forefront of gaming tactics. I think this is where my habit of slowly building up my empire and wiping out the enemy in one foul swoop came from. Playing against friends, we could arrange when to attack each other. There were no real skirmishes unless resources were scarce – the fun for us was discovering who had assembled the best army in the self-allotted time.

And I don’t care how bad I probably am at this game. The diversity in tactics shows what a terrific game AOE2 is. It suited all styles of play. The game had numerous modes as standard, but some of the scenarios you could download online were brilliant. A particular favourite of mine was called King of Towers, which involved garrisoning your king in a watch tower, which subsequently spawned a unit type in your corner of an island, continuously. Then you and the other players marched your units in, in the hope you’d picked a favourable type. You could move your king into another tower to change the unit. It was carnage, but great fun.

For me, the scenarios could never match the standard game though, which was just as well because my tactics forced me to play offline.

I didn’t just spend a long time building up an army. I spent a long time doing anything. In war, preparation is everything… as well as a nicely organised village. AOE brings out the frustrated town planner in me; I am the Kevin McCloud of the RTS world. I carefully place all my buildings in nice rows, making sure there is plenty of space for my villagers and military units to get around, have a beer, get naked etc. A happy base makes for a happy army. All research buildings must go near one another as this (to me) fosters a good academic atmosphere. All my military buildings are next to each other because it’s easier to group my forces and allows the sort of militaristic banter to be hidden from the local population.

I don’t completely neglect the actual war part of the game, but that comes after I’ve built a wall encircling an area far too big for my needs. But an empire needs room to grow. When the need to attack did arise (after about three hours), I’d ensure all my units were upgraded to the max. You won’t find me using militia at any point in the game. It’s cavaliers, unique units and trebuchets all the way baby. In fact, trebuchets are my favourite unit. There is nothing more satisfying than finding a distant position hidden from the enemy and targeting a building or unit and launching balls of fire at the opponent. This is one case where balls on fire could be considered a good thing.

I’m very linear when it comes to playing AOE, especially compared to most players online, but it’s the game’s rich diversity of units, technology and tactics (if you want to use them) that make it so rewarding. I would typically tell my units to attack and hope for the best, using sheer numbers and force. However, you can micro-manage your battles, striking key buildings and running away in a “tactical” retreat.

AOE also features a lot of historical information, whether it be through the campaigns themselves or the section detailing each civilization’s roots and important figures during the time periods the game occupies. I’m not sure how accurate all of it is, but it feels accurate which was good enough for me. And it was good enough for my parents when they bought it for me – I’d convinced them it was an educational tool and that I was just watching animations of historical battles; I just happened to be holding the mouse and clicking through the duration of this. I think my cover was blown when I went online and all they heard was constant repetition of the game’s various pre-recorded messages. Hearing “Nice town, I’ll take it” 20 times or somebody’s incessant claims that they need a monk probably did not help my cause.

In my opinion, not many games have come close to being as good as AOE2 and its expansion. Even the newer AOE games aren’t as good and I don’t care for the 3D views or ability to zoom in and rotate – give me isometric anyday.

Starcraft is arguably far better balanced and lends itself to more competitive play, but it intentionally has only three species to choose from. I love the game, but I would choose AOE every time if I had to. It is more diverse, has a lot more to do, is more accessible and the community seems more intent on actually having a laugh, with the hectic scenarios built by the fans. That, to me, is the clincher. If I want to take my time and enjoy the game at the pace a large child might make his or her way to physical education, I can do that. And, in my experience, no other game facilitates that better than Age of Empires 2.