Apparently, in First Blood, a character called Sgt Galt falls from a helicopter, and registers his concern by screaming. Elsewhere in the film, someone called Deputy Mitch also has a bit of a scream upon discovering that Rambo is hacking his leg off with a bayonet. In 1989, it was surprisingly tricky to capture noises like this and reproduce them in a video game.

If you have a good working knowledge of thinly veiled mainstream homoerotica, you’ll also hear the outrushing breath of someone leading something called a Snake Cult in Conan the Barbaian. Conan himself has just caused the breath in question to vacate the thoracic cavity by elbowing the Snake Leader in the solar plexus. This sound was also incorporated into the same video game, as was the understandably crestfallen cry of someone called Thorgrim as he is – yes, that’s right – fatally impaled on a rotating spike of some kind.

Bearing all this in mind, it’s time to pump up those pecs, remove your body hair, get all oiled up, develop a surprisingly good eye for interior furnishing, and follow in the footsteps of Golden Axe, as he battles his way through a medieval fantasy world. Don’t worry ladies – he’s a good listener.
Actually, the Golden Axe is a thing, not a person or a pub. It’s the magical emblem of a place called Yura, which is not having a very good time because the King and his daughter have been captured by someone called Death Adder – also a character played to great effect by Rowan Atkinson in the celebrated historical sitcom of the same name. Death Adder is threatening to smash the axe to bits, rendering the incarcerated royals powerless, unless the people of Yora accept him as their rightful ruler. Which, presumably, they haven’t.

The player can elect to control one of three characters, two of which, Gilius Thunderhead and Ax Battler, have stripper’s names, while one – Tyris Flare – is probably a porn star of some kind. There are then the requisite henchmen to battle through, casting spells and such. Health is earned by smashing elegant ceramic urns – potentially distressing for a gay warrior – as they are encountered, either randomly or as a prize for battering something. The number of health bars a character has dictates the level of hocus-pocusry he or she can get up to. Gilius Thunderhead, for example, can chuck lightning about at a cost of three health bars. Tyris Flare can whip up a conflagration of stellar proportions with fire magic, but this will cost a whopping six bars.

Some adversaries ride creatures collectively known as Bizzarians, which can be stolen, mounted, and used as weapons. In this manner, a player can boost his killing power by swiping enemies with the tail of his Cockatrice, or by scorching them into clemency with a fire breathing dragon. Things are spiced up still further in the two player game – while the players are on the same side, they can injure each other if they fancy it. Frustratingly for the people of Yura, this can lead to fatal duels between players who have wandered somewhat off topic.

It’s interesting to reflect, from (nearly) 2010, that Golden Axe was widely criticised for being all flashy graphics, brilliant sound effects, but no original gameplay. This is now, of course, a standard accusation levelled with some justification at most high profile gaming releases. The fact is that the world of horizontally scrolling beat ’em up games is a pretty much done and dusted thing. Golden Axe is, however, is a perfectly paced and engaging example of a genre which reached the highest stage of its evolution when you could still see the Stone Roses live. Hack through the levels of baddies. Break a load of ceramic urns. Chuck some lightning about, battle Death Adder, rescue the King and marry him. There are similar games, sure, but none gayer.